


i will protect you, until i die again.

by nullpointerex



Series: an alternate perspective [1]
Category: Heaven Official's Blessing
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, Canon Compliant, Ghosts, M/M, Pain, Stabbing, Suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:12:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23887237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nullpointerex/pseuds/nullpointerex
Summary: first person narrative of chapter 181 to 190, written from hua cheng's perspective.translation being used for the canon dialogue is from suika.
Relationships: Xie Lian/Hua Cheng
Series: an alternate perspective [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724791
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	1. a ghost fire, waiting for you

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning - mild mentions of death

All I can think about was you, even as I am stuck in the shady cultivator's lantern, unable to escape. All I can think about is how I could protect you when I can't free myself.

But then, you show up. My savior. I can see you from my lantern, I can hear your voice outside. You sound so sad. You sound defeated. Yet, you continue to fight for the people nearly scammed and the ghost, like I, trapped.

I love you because you do this, you know? Although I wish, sometimes, your attention can be focused _exclusively_ on me.

I come to you immediately when you released the ghost fires in the lanterns. You say go, but how can I when you were here?

You need someone, and I wish I could've been more.

I call out. I try many times. But, my strength is next to nothing as I have only recently died. I don't know what to do, but I keep calling. _Your highness, your highness--_

"Your highness..."

You turn towards me. I can't believe it. You see me. You hear me.

"Were you calling me just now? You... recognize me?"

You're even talking to me!

"Of course I recognize you!" I reply immediately, happy to have a voice that you can hear. I can tell my reply did not bring you much joy, rather added to your despair. For that I apologize. I cared not for your appearance. I cared not for your current state. 

I wish I could hug you and tell you that you look fine. Your appearance is as lovely as always.

"Why have you remained here? Haven't I sent you all off? Have I perhaps missed a step?"

Missed a step? You can do no wrong like that! I come closer, yet far enough so you won't feel imposed.

"No. You've done nothing wrong. I'm the one who didn't want to leave, that's all."

You deserve the truth.

I can see your lips curl up slightly. Are my desires funny? I can tell you more, if so. You just need to ask. I want to see you smile.

"Do you have an unfulfilled wish or some attachment?"

"Yes." _You._

"Then, why don't you tell me? What is it? If it's not anything difficult, I'll do my best to help you."

You can stay alive. You can prosper. That will make me happy, but I will not leave. This world had a reason as long as you were alive. In fact, if your goal is to make me leave, there is no point fulfilling my wishes.

"I have a beloved who is still in this world."

And it's you.

"I see. Is it your wife?"

_Ha!_

I am thankful you can't see my grin. "No, Your Highness. We never married." You barely noticed me. If anything, at most you probably remember me as that _brat_. Or, maybe the soldier who saw you when... _that happened_.

"Ah."

I can't tell you it's you. At least, not now.

"In fact, I might not be well remembered. We never really talked."

You didn't have to. From the day you saved me, to the day you saved me again and gave me a reason, you never had to tell me another word. My life, my afterlife, it's all for you. Even if you didn't talk to me ever again, I'd still devote my life to you.

"So then, what is your wish?"

"I want to protect them."

It hurt to say that to you when I can do nothing now, but be _protected_ by you. But, just be patient and stay well your highness.

For you, I'll become invincible.

You look surprised. "But, you no longer belong to this world."

That question confuse me. I ask, "What of it?"

"If you remain forcibly, you won't be able to rest in peace."

 _Ha_. You don't understand then.

"I pray to never rest in peace."

"If your beloved knew you couldn't rest in peace because of them, they might feel guilty and troubled."

Well, that's something I wouldn't want you to fell. If that's how you felt...

"Then, I just won't let them know why I haven't gone." I promise you will never find out.

"After having seen so much, it'd be known sooner or later."

"Then I won't let them find out I'm protecting them either."

Anything for you, your highness. If it means working in secrecy, if it means not even revealing a shred of my feelings towards you, my thoughts towards you, I'll do it. I will rather remain unnamed, unknown to you than to ever see you hurt again... much less, _hurt you_.

Your voice grows quiet. "This war separated you from your beloved... I'm sorry. I didn't win."

How could you say such words? Your war is my greatest honor and I never will regret the time I spent as a soldier. And, you're still here. Perhaps in death, we will become even closer. A ghost can dream.

"To die in battle for you is my greatest honor." 

"I'm sorry. Forget me." You look like you were about to cry. You speak words I will never obey.

"I won't forget. Your Highness, I am forever your most devoted believer."

You gave purpose to my life. You are my god and the only one I will follow.

"I've already lost all my believers. Believing in me won't do you any good, it might even bring disasters. Do you know? Even my friend has left me." Your choked voice pains me more than death did.

Fuck you friends.

"I won't." You have to understand, your highness. I won't.

"You will."

"Believe me, Your Highness," I insist. I speak only the truth, and I feel dismay knowing you have lost all hope. 

"I don't believe you."

I know I can't convince you. I know you don't believe me. I know you don't even believe in yourself.

But, I will continue to believe in you.


	2. a ghost fire, without warmth

It has been painful, watching you from afar, suffering but unable to provide any comfort. What can a mere ghost fire, without any power, do to help Your Highness, suffering in the mortal realm without a penny to his name? What could a ghost fire do to soothe the pain you felt after a friend abandoned you for greater pursuits? I can curse Mu Qing's name for you, Your Highness, I can pray for a better future for you, but I physically can do nothing, but watch.

Watch as you try to rob someone in desperation.

Watch as you are laughed at by the other Heavenly Official.

Watch as you see your father ashamed by you.

And, every second I watch, every second the pain within me grows. Every second I watch, I curse myself -- useless, useless, _useless!_

One day, I will shower you with riches. One day, I'll make sure you never have to suffer another day like this.

For now, all I can do is watch you run off into the night after a restless slumber and follow.

When you stopped, I stopped as well. I float nearby, but out of sight. After all, what could I do for you in my own pitiable state?

But, when you drink someone's offering, my worry grows. Are you able to hold your alcohol? Will you do anything you will regret under the alcoholic fever? Forgetting my place and status, I approach to look closely, to make sure you're alright. You seem to not notice me in your alcoholic daze -- and that's just fine. In fact, I am thankful for that, for you will not be able to see my worry and my inability to do anything.

Up close, you're even more beautiful. Your handsome, shining face specked with the red from the alcohol. Your inky black locks accentuate your face beautifully, even if they're tussled from your rough night. Even though your clothes are that of commoners, you wear it with grace that makes them look like they are fit for emperors. Up close, I lose my caution. Up close, I only want to feel your smooth, warm skin. Up close, I want to hold you and protect your perfect self from this frigid, cruel place.

When I reach for you, I can do nothing. Can you even feel me passing through your body?

I float around, annoyed by my inability to do _anything_. I try harder, darting to you, away, to you again. You're so close, you're right here! My god, my beloved...

Truly... pitiable.

"Pffft... hahaha!"

The sound makes me freeze and look at you.

You're looking right at me. Had... you seen me this entire time? This pitiable, useless one who doesn't deserve your presence, your attention?

"Is this your grave? Am I drinking your wine?"

No, I try to say, but I lack a voice. Whatever I had before, whatever strength allowed me to speak to you gone.

"I get it. I'll go."

Don't! Don't go! Again, you hear nothing. You can't hear my desperation.

I try to come for you, I try to stop you, but you already tripped and fell into a pit prepared for someone else. An empty grave containing someone still living.

I come for you, I really try -- I want to carry you out of here. This is suffering, trapped in this weak body, watching you hurt from the fall, and drunken to the state where you're unable to even carry yourself up over the hill.

But, even in this miserable state, I see you no less a god.

"... what the fuck..." Your voice is quiet, but those words still carry themselves so loudly. I have never heard you speak vulgarity. I have never heard you curse at yourself in this manner.

"God fucking dammit!"

My life, truly, since birth, has been one of suffering. Only moments with you in my childhood had been moments of relief, only to have the suffering come twofold. And, now, even with you, I can only suffer and burn in pain.

Useless. That's what I am. Useless as you struggle. I'm right besides you, I want to grab you and pull you up. But...

"Is there anyone? Is there anyone who can help pull me out?"

I can't. I'm not anyone who can help you.

"Someone might as well just come and bury me!"

No, don't. Don't curse yourself in that manner. You will survive, Your Highness. Please. Just hold on a bit longer. I pray for you to.

I see you climb. I cheer you on, but without a voice, you can't hear me. You make it out. You have it within you.

But you're so tired. It's so cold.

"So cold," you say quietly.

At your words, I come for you. I am a ghost fire, after all. I am fire -- but I'm also a ghost. Even if I burn brightly with what little energy I have within me, you feel nothing but coldness.

"God, please wait for me," I say to you, the energy from my despair fueling my flames. I grow a little stronger, but still not enough. I cry, but a ghost fire cannot shed tears. "Please give me a little more time."

I don't know if you can hear me. If you do, please hear my prayers, from the depths of my soul --

"Let me help you... let me protect you..."

I just need time, Your Highness. One day, I swear to my God, I will be there for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the novel chapters this scene is based on physically hurt me.


	3. a ghost fire, helpless

I have tried, countless times, to push past the agonizing weakness that I currently possessed. Without even a mortal body, without even a physical touch, I can do nothing but watch you from afar, with a painful ache in my soul, disgraced and humiliated constantly. All I can do is try to cry out to you, so you can hear me. All I can do is float from the distance, watching your back to the best I can, but able to do little to protect you. And all I ever wanted to do is give my all to you. It's a painful death, to know I have nothing, to know even if I stay, you derive no benefit.

But, I can't simply leave either, heading into the path of reincarnation. You're here. You're still here. I cannot forget you like everyone else, for I am a follower till the very end.

Do you hear me, sometimes, your highness? Do you simply not react because I am no use? I don't think that's who you are, but it's excruciating to constantly call to you, but only heard a few times.

I call not now, reserving my energy, only following you quietly in a distance you can't see. You have already lost one of your attendants, and your mood is soured by your attempted robbery. You think yourself less than who you were, but I know it not to be true. You're simply a victim of circumstances, haunted by a malicious spirit (that I can do nothing but watch him torture you) motivated by a vendetta unknown to you.

If only I was still alive.

If only I was stronger in death.

I can wish all this, yet... nothing happens. I know not how the ghostly world works, for I'm still new, but through this... I will find a way, Your Highness.

Please wait for me.

I sometimes wonder... is it because of me, my rotten fortune that's cursed me since birth, that you're tortured the way you are? I pray not, for my intentions are pure and merely out of devotion. But here you are again, alone, facing adversity from your ex-comrades in the heavens. So many heavenly officials, some of which were present when you attempted to rob a mortal. I can sense your embarrassment, your shame at your actions, and yet the heavenly officials, who want to take the land you sought first to cultivate, refused to relent.

Their faces are burned in my soul for you, as it's unfair for them to pick on you, already banished and ashamed.

Yet, even as hate fills me, I see that determination in your eyes, refusing to relent despite the adversity before you. Maybe it's out of shame. Maybe it's to save your face, but you decide to stand your ground, challenging them and their pride as martial art gods to a duel.

I can almost cry from your resolve, unwilling to be bullied by those gods. Tears don't fall, for I am nothing but an incorporeal ghost fire.

Armed with nothing but a stick, you face off against the martial gods, without even a drop of spiritual energy to help you. They have their heavenly weapons, glinting in the sun, and their cultivation. It should have been an easy victory for them... yet you fought with a ferocity, pushing them back with nothing but your raw strength and a stick.

I cannot help myself but try to turn the tide further in your favor, for you are fighting a battle with odds against you. It's too unfair for my little soul to handle.

And what else can I do but ram myself into the eyes of at least one enemy, then moving onto the next, with a burning intensity that could blind or stun them for a few minute. 

They cry out that you're playing tricks. You defend yourself.

_... maybe..._

As I was grabbed, even as I squirm, a mere ghost fire cannot win against a heavenly official.

 _I messed up_.

"I don't even know what's going on! How dare you accuse me of playing tricks just by catching some ghost fire?! It's not like ghost fires are anything rare! Do you see my name carved on it!"

You're right. Though, if there will be a name carved on me, it will be yours. As I struggle, the exchange continues.

"Why would normal ghost fires attack my eyes? If it wasn't under your control, why would it act like this?"

 _Because you all deserve it!_ I try to say, but as expected I have no voice.

"And I can say it's some wandering spirit on the mountain that were scared by you lot and came crashing in a daze! What kind of proof is that?!"

Well, now you're wrong, Your Highness. I had a purpose. I chose to help you, my decisions lucid.

"Who cares whose control it's under. A harmful thing like this, just disperse it!"

 _No, stop, no!_ I can't be dispersed -- I can't leave Your Highness's side!

"LET IT GO!"

Your voice, once again, is the light in the darkness. Even if I had brought this fate upon myself, you come to my rescue once again. It's like that time when my life had no purpose and I chose to end it, only to have you interrupt your own procession to save me.

I don't deserve you at all. Even if you don't know me, you still come to my rescue. One day, I know I keep saying this, I will repay the favors, and more.

You struggle with the ones who are holding me, using caution to avoid damaging me.

 _Your Highness, Your Highness!_ I cry into the abyss.

The fight is interrupted by the appearance of Mu Qing, the attendant who has caused you so much grief. And, my brain understood why he had left, betraying the friendship you hold so dear to you.

As the gods lie about you, as you defend yourself, the commotion freed me and... and shamefully I left the fight. It is no use for me to be there, for I will only be a liability. Bitter. Ashamed. Begrudged.

Those martial gods. Mu Qing. One day.

From afar, I watch as Mu Qing chose the sides of the gods over you, prioritizing his own well-being for yours. It pains me to see you stammering, see you almost begging for your long term friend to believe you and support you at your time of need.

I will, Your Highness. I just... can't.

You fell. Your robes dirtied by mud. You can't believe Mu Qing and his decision.

I can't either.

No one is there to pick you up. I watch you, in the ground, your will shattered.

I follow you when you finally leave. My own soul hurt by that sight.

I chase you as you run, trying to call for you, calling into the void. I cry for you when you fall, your mouth bloody.

Mu Qing is there before I am, extending that _worthless_ hand after he had already failed you. I grow angry, I want to tell him to fuck off.

I snicker when you throw mud at him. He deserves that.

"I didn't have a choice!"

 _Yes you_ _did,_ I thought bitterly, _if it were me, I would have descended for Your Highness!_

You continue to throw mud. I want to throw mud too!

"Are you crazy?! Didn't I just tell you I didn't have a choice?! Didn't you go rob because you also didn't have a choice?!"

The reasoning is sound, but my devotion to you makes me disagree regardless. Through thick and thin, my support for you is unbreakable.

Eventually Mu Qing leaves, and you continue to sit in the mud, defeated by the events that have transpired.

I want to hold you. I want to talk to you again.

I stay far, because I can't do anything I want.

But my flames burn when seeing flames approach you, menacing, haunting -- because I know who is approaching.

 _Run, Your Highness, please_ _run!_

You can't hear me.

That haunting smile appears not far from you.

Bai Wuxiang says, "How are you, Your Highness?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so, it was because of this moment, hua cheng decided to tattoo xl's name onto his arm
> 
> but his handwriting is terrible. no one can read it.  
> hahahah i love hua cheng so much aaksdjalksd
> 
> this one isn't as sad i think, i only choked up once. we at the calm before the storm. wheeee


	4. a ghost fire, only an insect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to leave this fan song in hua cheng's perspective here for people who have not seen it yet: https://youtu.be/MYTTengRcPc  
> that is legit the jam i was listening to last night and this morning

_Run, run, run!_

I can feel the monstrous strength of the Supreme in front of us. The malicious spiritual energy he exudes already beyond anything that you're, much less I, am capable of facing. He stands there, clothed in white, his mask of a frown and smile mocking your helplessness and weakness.

I merely froze in my space against this creature of pure evil. I can do nothing for you, I realize. He can kill me with one squeeze. He can erase my existence... and how can I be by your side when that happens? I turn to you. I see you're shaking too. I... I...

_Just run, Your Highness, please... you can't defeat him!_

I scream that with everything I have. Why... why when I need it the most, I can't even find my voice? Why do I have to always go unheard by you. You're right there, yet I'm trapped in this _pathetic_ form, as if the world cruelly wants me to do nothing but watch your suffering for its own enjoyment. 

Why?

Why?!

You're a radiant standard in this world that no one can ever aspire to reach. Your resistance to adversity is beyond anything. You take all the brutality the world has to offer and face against it with your head held high, even if its secretly paining you every step of the way. You walk, thinking you're alone in this world, filled with hurt.

I... can't bear to see you hurt. I want to be that shield for you. I am willing to accept everything in your steed, but I can't.

I hate that I can't.

You take action and the blows you trade are faster than my weak eyes can process. One moment, I see you leaping off from your position, and the next, you're already on the ground, Bai Wuxiang behind you with a swift attack. And, before I can even move, you're already screaming, his hands gripped on your head, that _monstrous, vile hand defying Your Highness_. My paralysis, the fear that instinctively gripped me, ends with your cry. I go to you. 

If I can't do anything, if I die, it doesn't matter. I want to help Your Highness.

I rush, even as the other ghost fires stay behind. Some are cruel souls that laugh at your suffering, a show for them to enjoy in the afterlife. There are many others simply frozen by the display before then, unsure how to react to a Supreme fighting with a banished god.

And, to be honest, I don't know what to do either. I don't know how a recently deceased spirit like me, who can do nothing but shine into the eyes of officials, before being caught by one of them with a casual swipe.

This is something even stronger, more vile, his murderous intent clear.

What... can I do?

But it's his very murderous intent that makes me unable to stay back and watch. I have been getting stronger, Your Highness, but it isn't strong enough for this. it doesn't matter and using whatever I have, I try to hit him.

_Let... him... go!_

He doesn't even stir from my attacks.

The thing that stands before me is an ancient monster, much like a tree that has weathered through the ages, gaining strength to become the powerful force that towers before me. I... am like an insect, almost unnoticed by the tree. I can attack all I want, but it's only I who hurt with every blow.

I still can't give up. It weakens me. it hurts me with every strike.

However, I knew if I can catch his attention for a second, giving you the chance to escape, I will not hesitate to do it. If I can do anything with whatever life I have left, I will do it without hesitation, Your Highness.

But nothing can be done. An insect simply cannot topple a tree who doesn't even notice it.

I curse Bai Wuxiang for doing this to you. Torturing you even after he destroyed your kingdom, torturing you even after your banishment from the heavens.

Most of all, I curse my own inability to do anything when you need someone the most.

_Stop -- no, stop!_

There's an intense rage... _jealousy_ , if I'm being honestly, when he pulls you into an embrace. He's hugging you. He's holding you with his hands like he cares. He has ruined your life but he still _dares_ hold you in his arms to comfort you.

_Get off him! Get off you monster!_

"So sad, so sad... Your Highness, look at yourself, Look at what they've done to you."

He speaks words I want to say to you, as Your Highness your misery is inflicted by the people. They have reduced you to this state.

But, how _dare_ a cause of your suffering pretend like he actually cares about you.

He's caressing you. He's comforting you. He looks like he's crying for you.

_Fuck off!_

My jealousy disappears as soon as you cry. You are the only thing in my world again, his ridiculous antics beneath _your needs_. I go to you. You're shaking like you're cold, like you've broken down to a state that cannot be recovered from. I... I wish I could give you some of the burning fire within me. The energy inside me grows at the sight of your pain, yet I can't... I can't even give you anything.

I stay away, knowing I can do nothing for you. You might even feel colder like last time, my ghostly body stealing your living warmth.

_Please... hold on._

"Come to my side."

 _What_? _Of course not! Your Highness... will never..._

"I... I... I..."

You inner strength prevails. I see that prince that saved me that day in those eyes again. I see the hero leading the charge to protect his kingdom in a valiant effort against adversity. Bai Wuxiang's mask is knocked off and you free yourself from his grips.

"Who's going to your side, you... monster!"

You're so beautiful, Your Highness, even now covered in mud, tears having streamed down your face. I wish I can tell you that, hold you in my arms instead, bringing you into a caring embrace you desperately need right now.

That haunting, hallow laughter rings through the night.

"What are you laughing about?"

A humph. "You will come to my side one day."

 _I_ _know who you are Your Highness and what you're capable of. I know... you would_ never.

"What side is your side? You destroyed Xianle and you still want me to go over to your side? Are you crazy? I think you're sick in the head!"

_He is!_

"You will come. In this world, no one but me will truly understand you, and no one but me will forever stay by your side."

... _Those are my words! You don't understand him, you monster! You don't know anything about_ _him!_

My cries go unheard, but please, Your Highness, realize he's telling lies. I'm here. I'm still here. I know you. I will never forget you. I will always be by your side.

Please.

Hear me.

"Get out of here! Enough with your arrogant nonsense! How could there be no one just because you said so!"

_That's right!_

I'm happy you realize the monster speaks lies and there are people around you. I don't know -- I don't care -- who is on your mind (I wish it is me). But, if you can continue standing through this ordeal, with whoever is there supporting you at your weakest... that's all I care about. I dance up and down by your side, trying to _physically_ tell you that you're right and, well, subtly tell you I am one of your most fervent supporters.

In retrospect, you are focused on Bai Wuxiang, and there's so many other ghost fires surround us right now, in a crazed mania from the actions here. My dance was destined to be unnoticed. 

"Oh? Is there someone? Maybe there were people in the past, but do you think they'll still be there from now on?"

...

"What do you mean? What are you hinting at?"

Could the monster be speaking about your attendants, one of whom had already left your side?

Could it be he plans to kill your parents? Your only family left?

... Could it even be me? But... as long as you're here. I will not find rest. I won't leave.

A sneer, and then in a soft voice, Bai Wuxiang says, "I will wait for you here, Your Highness."

"Wait! Don't go! What did you do to them? Did you touch my parents and Feng Xin?"

You chase after him -- I do too, by your side, supporting your every move.

When he sweeps his arm, you're caught in the attack.

_No, don't hurt him!_

I try to go to you, yet... I'm stuck in an iron grip that surpasses even the officials the other day. The malice. The vileness. I can feel it to my core. When he had reached out, he had intended to grab me this entire time...?

I can't escape. I know one squeeze and the monster can remove me from this very world, separating me from you.

As much as I burn in resistance, I can't free myself.

_This is the end, isn't it?_

It can't be. It can't be the end! There's still so much I need to do for you. I have to hold out longer. I have to free myself. I just need time, Bai Wuxiang and.., and one day I'll face you on equal footing in Your Highness's place. 

Just you wait.

"Spirit, tell me, what is your name?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delays guys! I was busy sobbing over 2ha which i just finished. chu wanning is a babe, but so is hua cheng. 
> 
> for the folks still following this, thanks for being patient! hope you enjoy the chapters, and we're nearing the end of the first half of book4 which this fic is based off of. <3


End file.
